Dear Gadget Maker ,
There , there , do n’t cry . I know Samsung and Apple generate soooo much imperativeness this yr . You desire to press back with a hit merchandise that ’ll cross the Internet like gadget - porno wildfire ? You have to build up a equipment that stand out from the background disturbance . You ca n’t maybe win by turning out yet another cellphone with Bluetooth , a speakerphone , EDGE and that dials just fine . Will the gismo web log pick it up ? Will the Digg - horde descend upon the story with a pelting of a thousand click ? Will Chen put it in his pant ? Likely , no .
Instead , here are a few channelise questions you might require to demand yourself as you make the Earth ’s next , raging gadget .
Does your gadget have a lot of buttons ? Unless it ’s a headphone — and , really , even if it is a phone — buttons are yesterday ’s tidings . No one likes to press anything — we like to touch , sure as shooting , but military press ? In the dawn ? Before coffee tree ? Come on . So , if you ’ve just made a hip new stereo that plays CD ’s , MP3s , and the thoughts of your enemy — take a script out of the iPhone page and give it a touchscreen , because cutaneous senses beat out press any daytime of the week .
Is it made by Apple ? Anything shimmering white or eternally black and made by Apple is a indisputable sell , but you may use this to your advantage by pretending your machine is made by Apple . No matter if it ’s highly overpriced , no matter if it scarce works , no matter if you could get the same thing for six times less , if Apple made it , people will not only buy it , they ’ll find themselves sexually attracted to it ( I ’m calculate in your direction , PowerBook ) . Microsoft ’s J. Allard is slowly mastering this effect . Just look at all those $ 20knockoff iPodsfrom China . Say your party ca n’t industrial - plan itself out of a paper handbag , and even knocking off Apple is too much to hope for . Then , just trademark everything with the letter “ i ” in front of it . ( iPooPoo , for instance . ) And wait for the eventual struggle in earmark to give your low - profile gadget coughciscoiphonecough a gamey - profile lift .
https://gizmodo.com/ipod-nano-cloned-and-cheapened-216221
Does it have intimate charm / undertones ? There are the subtle gadgets — a phone that vibrates a little too much , or an MP3 player that bet surprisingly phallic , and then there are the gadgets cover completely with breasts . Whichever you are , subtle or blunt , sex sells , and nothing sell better than a computer monitor with a nice ass .
Does it do something Sci - Fi - ish ?
1 ) Does it hover ?
a ) Is it a gondola ?
i ) Does it go really tight ?
ii ) Can it travel through time ?
( 1 ) Is it a DeLorean ?
b ) Is it a hovering iPod ?
c ) Is it a hovering bandeau ?
i ) What size is it ?
2 ) Does it shoot lasers ?
a ) Do they burn off ?
i ) How badly ?
ii ) Can you live the burns ?
iii ) Does it sting enough to be funny but not enough to cause irreparable impairment ?
b ) Can you rile mass in the field with them ?
i ) Can you burn said annoyed people ?
c ) Do the lasers come in different color ?
i ) Are the colors pretty ?
3 ) Can you clone yourself with it ?
a ) Can you clone other citizenry with it ?
b ) Can you clone multitude you ’ve never meet with it ?
c ) Can you do what the masses from Weird Science did with it ?
i ) Will the chick not only be hot but be able-bodied to grant regard ?
4 ) Will it ruin Human Life ?
a ) Will it do so stunningly ?
b ) Will it do it slowly , but with a lot of Robot - have-to doe with involvement ?
c ) Will it make a black yap ?
i ) Will the black pickle finish up not killing us but sending us into some sort of gate to other planet . A Stargate , perhaps .
ii ) Will the opprobrious hole send us into the past where we have to stop ourselves from destroy ourselves ?
iii ) Will the hot chick from Weird Science comfort us while we are torn apart by the horrors of whatever lay inside the black hollow ?
Does it help oneself forefend the cruelties of life ? Life is n’t pretty — but a new cellphone that streams television set is beautiful . We all want to escape — so be it a good virtual world game or a portable metier center , people will not only buy it , they ’ll use it until everything they know and love allow them , and they are provide an empty shell — with nothing but your hip gadget held tight in their fail hand . Which means you and your caller are doing well .
Does it serve you get fatter ? Sure , ice cream machines and chocolate natural spring are fun , but that ’s not what I ’m talk about . I ’m talking about gadgetry that assures us , the consumer , that campaign is not only unnecessary , but much obsolete . Who needs to lose the small calorie ? Gadgets like the Roomba , the Segway , or any figure of golem that the Japanese have made not only succeeded because they ’re cool , but because we as a citizenry hate anything to do with move . Or work . Or not eating .
Can it do more than three things ? In many slipway , gadget features are like bathrooms — the more you have , the richer you feel . If your appliance can act as an MP3 player , a camera , a Tazer , a cellphone and a sufficient replacement for food , you ’re in . Just make certain it tastes beneficial — my last RAZR tasted suspiciously like microchip .
Finally , is it in reality utilitarian ? certainly , breasts are nice — but so is usefulness ( which is n’t to say that breasts are useless — just that you probably do n’t need to have your LCD screen cut through in them ) . It ’s all unspoilt and well to make a promising , colorful gizmo with 17 features and a promise to “ revolutionize the world”—but you ’ve really obtain to mean it . The mart is as oversaturated with useless gadget as the Internet is oversaturated with video of naked citizenry — make something useful , something that helps masses or impress them , and your appliance is a guaranteed success .
Lastly , can Chen check it into his pant ?
If you reply yes to any of these dubiousness you ’ve got your foot in the threshold ; three to four , it ’s potential Giz will show you some making love . If you serve yes to more than five , congratulation : You have created the adept convenience in the earthly concern .
Yuri Baranovsky write about gadgets , and the net situation comedy that he co - wrote and co - created at www.breakaleg.tv
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